Dark Souls 3 contains some truly exceptional boss battles, and in honor of the game’s third birthday, I have ranked every Dark Souls 3 boss in order of cuddling quality. These fights have been ranked before from easiest to hardest and from worst to best, but it’s obvious that the game’s developer, From Software, intended for these boss fights to speak to the player on a deeper level. That deeper level, of course, is implied to be how good of cuddlers these bosses would be.
Unfortunately, Dark Souls 3 doesn’t discuss the cuddling abilities of its bosses very much in its lore, but this is by design, as much of the story of the Dark Souls games are told indirectly. However, based on the appearance, backstory, and combat skills of these characters, we can intuit much about their cuddling prowess.
25. Curse-Rotted Greatwood
This tree’s bark is truly worse than its bite, as its bark is covered in clusters of quivering nightmare sacs. I take no issue with tree hugging, but when the tree in question harbors a multitude of malevolent curses within its trunk, that’s a tree you’d best avoid wrapping your arms around. If you had any ideas about cuddling with the Curse-Rotted Greatwood, I’d recommend truncating those plans immediately.
24. Oceiros, the Consumed King
Unfortunately for Oceiros, his emaciated dragon wannabe aesthetic and general disturbing appearance are far from the worst of his cuddling qualities. Oceiros holds his invisible, perpetually crying half-breed son, Ocelotte, in his arms at all times, so snuggling up to the King of Lothric and getting some shuteye would be a near-impossible task. Arguably worse than that is Oceiros’ tendency to violently smash his dragon baby against the ground, which would really put a damper on the overall ambiance of the cuddling session.
23. Aldrich, Devourer of Gods
There’s nothing that Aldrich loves more than eating, and there’s nothing more insulting than eating while cuddling with someone. Look, polishing off a bag of potato chips before snuggling up with your cuddle buddy is by no means a sin, but slowly consuming a god while snuggling with your cuddle buddy might count as one. Plus, Aldrich’s body is composed entirely of sludge, so it would be a nightmare to clean your linens if you cuddled at your place.
22. High Lord Wolnir
A once proud conqueror, all that prevents Wolnir from succumbing to the Abyss now are several magic bracelets, which he clearly holds onto with great desperation. That sort of clinginess could lead to some seriously uncomfortable cuddling sessions, especially given that the clingy cuddler in question is a 200-foot-tall skeleton.
21. Demon Prince
To even encounter the Demon Prince, you must defeat the two creatures from the first phase of its boss fight: the Demon in Pain and the Demon from Below. As much as I hate to add to its agony, cuddling with something called, “the Demon in Pain” does not sound very appealing. Sure, the demons’ leathery skin could be somewhat comfortable to lie against, but only if the beasts aren’t slashing at you with their talons or spewing poison in your face. As for the Prince himself, much of the same applies. Depending on which demon you defeat last in the first phase, the Prince will emerge as a different version of himself, so he earns some credit for not relying on a singular snuggling method. Unfortunately, these two versions of the Demon Prince boil down to firing laser beams out of his mouth or raining down fireballs from the sky, neither of which would make for a completely comfortable cuddling concourse.
20. Crystal Sage
There’s nothing worse than finally getting into a comfortable spot with your cuddle buddy only for that cuddle buddy to shrink into the ground and teleport away. Unfortunately, the Crystal Sage is rather fond of disappearing on you, and flaking on cuddling responsibilities is a clear violation of the Cuddlers’ Code. While the Sage is able to produce several copies of himself, they disappear as soon as you touch them, so this ability seems more cruel than practical when it comes to snuggling up in a bed.
19. Ancient Wyvern
In-game, it takes but one blow to the head to down this beast, so as nice as it would be to warm up under those weighty wings, accidently bumping the Wyvern on the snout while adjusting your cuddling position might unintentionally kill it. Nothing ruins a cuddling session like your partner violently convulsing to death.
18. Iudex Gundyr
When it comes to cuddling, nobody likes a thrasher, especially when the thrasher in question is ticked-off giant pus snake. Still, no one can deny that Iudex Gundyr isn’t full of surprises, and being able to add some variety into the standard cuddling fare might be appreciated by some.
17. Yhorm the Giant
After Yhorm lost someone close to him, he abandoned his greatshield and exclusively used his machete. My issue with Yhorm’s obvious cuddling prowess here is that he’s too single-minded. Cuddling requires give and take, and all machete and no greatshield, so to speak, doesn’t exactly exude this ideology. In Yhorm’s defense, he ruled over a society of humans who despised him, and he tried to save the world by sacrificing himself to link the fire. Sadly, this resulted in him barbecuing all of his subjects to death, so I understand why he might have a chip on his shoulder. Still, I have to be an impartial judge, and as such, I don’t believe Yhorm would make a good cuddling partner.
16. Darkeater Midir
Midir was tasked with eternally battling the dark, and as his name implies, he did so by eating it. This has clearly given him serious indigestion, as he spews fire and laser beams out of his face during his boss fight. If that’s what’s coming out of his front end, I don’t even want to imagine what could come out his back end; stinky dragon farts are a big cuddling turn-off for anybody with a sense of smell, after all. The sharp crystals jutting from his body don’t win him any favor either, but despite all of these cons, it’s undeniably appealing to snuggle up with the massive Midir, who exudes a very magnetic presence. Even if his allure is mostly due to awe, this dragon’s raw power and broad scaly scalp prove that Midir is far from the worst cuddle buddy in Dark Souls 3.
15. Lorian, Elder Prince, and Lothric, Younger Prince
Lorian and Lothric seem much more interested in cuddling with each other than they would with you. After all, Lothric dangles on his brother’s back for the entire second phase of their boss fight, so unless you offered to listen to Lothric’s edgy slam poetry about him being one with the darkness, they likely wouldn’t show any interest in snuggling with you.
14. Champion Gundyr
Gundyr’s armor may not look too comfortable to snuggle up with, but what he lacks in comfort he makes up for by not having a giant pus monster bursting from his torso. While everybody enjoys an enthusiastic cuddling partner, I think Champion Gundyr may be a tad too aggressive for me to laud him with snuggling praise. He pursues you relentlessly in his boss battle, with a speed and ferocity that is truly intimidating. It’s one thing to prefer being big spoon, but it’s another thing to need to be big spoon, and that’s the kind of vibe that Champion Gundyr gives off.
13. Vordt of the Boreal Valley
Vordt comes off as very intimidating at first, with his giant frost hammer and ability to rampage across his boss arena in the blink of an eye, but he’s actually quite easy to defeat once you learn one key trick: you have to stay under him. I have no doubt that this rule applies to both combat and cuddling, so once you break the ice, so to speak, your snuggles with this twisted outrider knight will become much more enjoyable. Still, “get under him” may not be the best cuddling advice if the “him” in question weighs several tons, so only seek Vordt out as a cuddle buddy if you have remarkable physical endurance.
12. Abyss Watchers
The Abyss Watchers undoubtedly possess the technical cuddling skill to earn a high spot on this list. Their agility, acrobatics, and power make them not only excellent warriors, but also excellent snugglers. In-game, however, they spend the majority of their time fighting each other, and I don’t think this would translate into an overall positive cuddling experience. They’d constantly be fighting for your attention, and nobody likes a jealous cuddler.
11. Deacons of the Deep
The Deacons of the Deep have the potential to form the greatest cuddle puddle out of any boss on this list due to their sheer numbers. Those red robes they’re sporting look pretty comfy, too, so there’d be a lot of soft fabric to lie against. Unfortunately, being in close proximity to the Deacons for too long will result in you being cursed to death, so I can’t advise cuddling with them for more than a few minutes. Still, they’d be great to lounge with for a quick cuddle session.
10. Dragonslayer Armour
If your preferred cuddling position is little spoon, then you’ll find no better boss on this list than the Dragonslayer Armour. There’s nowhere you’d feel more safe or secure than behind that big shield. While the Armour is under the control of the mysterious beings known as pilgrim butterflies, whom fire a barrage of weird blood projectiles at you during the fight, this all comes down to these creatures’ motives. If their goal was to provide comfort rather than to provide death, the Dragonslayer Armour could make for an excellent snuggler, but I understand if some wouldn’t be willing to take the risk to find out.
9. Old Demon King
As the last surviving member of his species, the Old Demon King is the Dark Souls 3 boss most in need of a snuggle. Sometimes, the best reason to cuddle with someone is because they need someone to cuddle with. Besides his rocky skin, the Old Demon King’s only drawback is that he’s more of a seasonal cuddler. He harbors fire within his body, so he’d be a great cuddling partner when winter comes, but you’d best avoid getting cozy with him if the temperature is above freezing.
8. Sister Friede and Father Ariandel
Given how long her boss fight is, Friede’s endurance is one of the highest on this list, making her an excellent option for anybody seeking a longer cuddling session. Her extremely versatile skillset would keep things fresh, too. Friede is resurrected twice during her battle, so just when you think you’re done cuddling, she’ll get a second wind. Much like the painted world that she resides in, however, Friede is a bit cold, and you may not want to cuddle with someone for an extended period of time if that person is physically and emotionally distant. You can always fall back on Father Ariandel, though—he’s certainly not lacking any passion, as he swings that big bowl of his around quite enthusiastically. I’m sure he’d be glad to swing his body around to snuggle with you, too—just watch out for that bowl.
7. Dancer of the Boreal Valley
The Dancer’s graceful, fluid movements denote her as perhaps the most skilled boss to cuddle with in terms of sheer comfort on this list. Do you need to adjust your position because your arm fell asleep? The Dancer would be able to reorient herself to allow for this in one smooth motion. Do you want to roll onto your other side for better lumbar support? The Dancer would adjust as needed with ease. Unfortunately, the Dancer was eventually transformed into a beastly creature whose armor fused with her own hide, so any skin-to-skin contact would result in some serious chafing.
6. Halflight, Spear of the Church
This guy is already wearing pajamas. Need I say more?
5. King of the Storm and Nameless King
Admit it: you couldn’t resist snuggling up to that adorable feathery dragon bird. The storm drake pictured above, AKA the King of the Storm, might be able to crush your body with one foot, but look at that cute stretchy neck! And just when it seems like this boss couldn’t get any better, who wouldn’t want to cuddle with a true legend like the Nameless King? As the firstborn of the original Lord of Light, Gwyn, the Nameless King is basically the Dark Souls equivalent of a celebrity. This pair’s only downside is that you have quite a journey in order to get to them, with having to detect a fake wall, learn an advanced yoga pose, sit outside in that pose next to several corpses for an extended period of time, and then fight past hordes of snake-men and several dragons to earn the right to snuggle. If you can manage all of that, though, the cuddling session would be well worth it.
4. Champion’s Gravetender and Gravetender Greatwolf
While the champion himself wouldn’t rise far above standard cuddling fare, it’s his canine companions that elevate him to a higher spot on this list. It would be a delight to snuggle with his troupe of smaller wolves, but it’s the gargantuan Gravetender Greatwolf that stands out. Yes, the Greatwolf is a tad too hyper and two tads too aggressive, but c’mon! Being able to snuggle with a giant puppy is any rational cuddler’s dream.
3. Pontiff Sulyvahn
Sulyvahn may be pretty darn evil—heck, he’s responsible for the corruption of at least three other bosses on this list—but he’s the most accomplished being on this list as well. Whether it’s sorcery, societal upheaval, religious upheaval, good-old fashioned manipulation, or some other dastardly deed, Sulyvahn has proven again and again his capability to excel at any task he sets his mind to. Even if you disagree with his nefarious methods, you have to admit that the Pontiff would make an excellent cuddler. He could warm you up with his flaming Profaned Greatsword, and if he was too busy overthrowing the last vestiges of the old royal family of Anor Londo, he could always create a copy of himself to cuddle with you in his place. Sulyvahn is a man who always finds a solution, and snuggling is no exception.
2. Slave Knight Gael
Gael has lived an unbelievably long life, and it is his persistence, perseverance, and experience that make him stand out here. As diverse as Gael’s move set is in his boss fight, his cuddling abilities are likely even more varied. Just think about all the people Gael must have cuddled with throughout the eons, from the time of the Ancient Dragons until the very end of the Age of Fire! Another one of Gael’s benefits is that you could cuddle with him on the go, as there’s no need to bring a blanket when he can wrap you up in that velvety red cape of his, or that equally velvety gray beard of his. He does have several drawbacks that could get bothersome, such as his obsessive madness, his ability to summon lightning bolts, and his probable cannibalism, but his undeniable cuddling know-how far outweighs these negatives in my opinion.
1. Soul of Cinder
Soul of Cinder is without a doubt the most versatile, experienced, and skillful cuddler on this list. As an amalgamation of everyone who has linked the fire, the Soul of Cinder is a literal manifestation of the most powerful beings to ever exist, and by extension, the most powerful cuddlers to ever exist. The Soul of Cinder truly does it all, being able to accommodate and adapt to any difficult cuddling conundrum. Given that this boss stands a lonely watch over the fading First Flame, I have no doubt that he would appreciate someone to cuddle with, and I have no doubt that it would be one of the most comfortable and memorable cuddling experiences of your life.