Ever since Bloodborne was released in March of 2015, fans have been dying to find out which of the game’s many bosses would make the best parents. Sure, people have ranked these hideous, malformed beings by the difficulty and the quality of their battles, but we all know what the real metric of their worth is. So nearly four years after Bloodborne debuted, I have finally answered the community’s prayers and ranked every boss in the game by their parenting potential.
22. Orphan of Kos
I hold no malice towards the Orphan of Kos, but I have to be a realist. In Bloodborne, we encounter this haunted creature when we witness its birth from the corpse of its mother. While I have no doubt that the Orphan could grow up into a responsible young man, I simply cannot advocate for letting a newborn raise a child, which is why the Orphan of Kos earns the first spot on this list. And as much as I hate to beat a dead Great One, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the disturbing amount of rage that the Orphan of Kos displays during its boss fight. Parents are supposed to help quell tamper tantrums, not throw their own. But who knows? Maybe in some dream, a more eligible candidate on this list adopts the Orphan and he gets the happy childhood that he deserves.
21. The One Reborn
Given that its body is composed of bodies, bone, and more bodies, The One Reborn just doesn’t have much going for it in terms of parenting abilities. I can’t see this creature picking up a child, or even being in the same room as a child, without causing serious physical and emotional scarring to it and everyone in the vicinity. In all fairness, The One Reborn does have the ability to drop out of the sky from a space portal, which would come in handy if it was ever late for picking its child up from soccer practice, but I can’t award it any more parenting points due to its general grossness.
20. Living Failures
There’s lots that I value in a parent, but having a face is one of the most important things. Unfortunately, these stumbling, overgrown science experiments don’t have a single face between the lot of them, and their clumsiness doesn’t win them any favor either. It’s possible that the Living Failures could accidentally do something helpful, but reliability is more desirable than luck when it comes to parenting. Unfortunately, the Living Failures live up to their name.
19. Witches of Hemwick
Here’s a pro parenting tip: don’t cover yourself in eyeballs. Apparently, the Witches of Hemwick didn’t get this memo, because they did exactly that. Their overall creepy demeanor doesn’t help either, and the damp abode filled with strung-up corpses that they call home doesn’t exactly scream, “RAISE YOUR CHILD HERE” in terms of ambiance. But hey, at least they can cast a few arcane spells and entertain their children with some magic tricks. And they do, like many mothers claim, have eyes on the back of their heads.
18. Moon Presence
Since the nature of this boss is largely unknown, it’s hard to pin down exactly how good of a parent the Moon Presence could be. One detail that is fairly clear, though, is that the Moon Presence keeps Gehrman (another boss on this list) trapped within a purgatory-like dream, essentially enslaving him there for all eternity. Maybe if you’re a bachelor all-powerful alien with few people who depend on you, you can get away with stuff like this, but any self-respecting and responsible extraterrestrial with children would recognize that that kind of sinister behavior is a big no-no. For that reason, I can’t place Moon Presence any higher than eighteenth on this list.
17. Darkbeast Paarl
Given that Darkbeast Paarl is prone to emit frequent blasts of electricity, I can’t recommend he be within ten feet of any children. I will give him points for fiscal responsibility, though. Why pay for gas, or even a vehicle at all, when Paarl can toss his child onto his back and gallop around town? Imagine being his son or daughter and pulling up to school on the back of a massive, wolf-like skeleton; it would put even the fanciest Mercedes Benz or the sleekest Lamborghini to shame. So while Paarl may make a for a cool dad who can provide financially, I don’t think he’d make for a very responsible one overall.
16. Shadows of Yharnam
Sure, there’s three of them, which would mean that there would always be someone around to take care of the children. But these cloaked figures are hiding a dark secret under those hoods, and I simply cannot endorse parents who have multiple writhing snakes for faces. Honesty is important in any relationship, and if you can’t even present yourself honestly, then how can you expect your children to? For these reasons, I can’t award Shadows of Yharnam a higher spot on this list, and that’s not even mentioning their habit of summoning giant serpents from the ground, which could result in some serious child safety hazards.
15. Laurence, the First Vicar
Laurence is the most ambitious character on this list, but his is a cautionary tale of how ambition can be taken too far. In this case, “taking it too far” resulted in Laurence morphing into a cleric beast that was perpetually enwreathed in flames. I don’t mean to belittle you, Laurence, but how are you going to hold your child’s hand when you cross the street together? How are you going to help your kid pack for college when touching any of their stuff will cause it to combust? I don’t want to put this boss on the hot seat, but I can’t ignore such pressing and persistent parenting problems.
14. Cleric Beast
The Cleric Beast lands one spot higher than Laurence simply because he is not on fire. The only other thing I have to say about this boss is that his ear-splitting screeches would do little to help if he was trying to put the baby down for a nap.
13. Martyr Logarius
I’m all for parents being self-sacrificing, but Logarius takes this ideology a bit too far. Completely devoted to his work life, I can’t see Logarius spending nearly enough time with his kids. That’s not to mention that his job involves eradicating the population of an entire society, which causes some serious issues, as I don’t think achieving all of your career goals by ruthlessly slaughtering your enemies sets a great example for your children. While Martyr Logarius is a tad too stubborn and several tads too fanatical, acts of martyrdom are inherently protective ones, and I have to give Logarius some credit in this regard.
12. Blood-Starved Beast
The Blood-Starved Beast’s appetite, both for blood and for success, is voracious, and I can’t help but admire that kind of ambition in a parent. Sure, he can occasionally unleash a toxic aura that affects everybody around him, but everybody has baggage. And if you’re looking for a parent who shares their child’s love for sports, you’ll be hard-pressed to find a boss on this list that is quicker and more athletic than Blood-Starved Beast. I’d keep him away from any pets, though; the only thing harder than explaining to their child that their pet died is explaining that their pet died because their dad wanted an afternoon snack.
11. Vicar Amelia
Amelia is undoubtedly driven, as she is one of the highest-ranking members of the Healing Church, the most powerful organization in the city of Yharnam. Being a strong authority figure, Amelia could make for a great mom, but she’s held back by her rapid transformation into a toothy hair monster. I definitely believe that inner beauty is more important than outer beauty, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore the latter entirely. Amelia looks like she hasn’t seen a groomer in months, and that doesn’t bode well for the hygiene of her hypothetical offspring. Plus, I don’t think that “Sorry I was late to your school play, honey, I was just finishing up mauling some people to death,” is a legitimate excuse.
10. Celestial Emissary
This boss certainly has that goofy dad vibe going for him. With a comically wobbly head and equally wobbly gait, Celestial Emissary may initially come off as too wacky to parent. This six-fingered goober does have a more serious side, however: if times ever get tough, the Emissary can grow several times his original size. That will settle any “My dad could beat up your dad” arguments on the playground in an instant.
9. Gehrman, the First Hunter
Gehrman ends up at the ninth spot on this list due less to his parenting potential and due more to him not being a blood-drenched nightmare monster. This isn’t to say that Gehrman is without his faults, though: his general apathy towards just about everything makes me feel that he would be the last parent to volunteer to coach Little League or to lead a PTA meeting. The fact that he’s beholden to the Moon Presence would also mean that his priorities would never truly be with his children. Underneath his gloomy demeanor, however, Gehrman does have an oddly noble nature, as he does everything in his power to prevent the player from being consigned to his own miserable fate of being enslaved to an immensely powerful alien consciousness, and that has to count for something.
8. Rom, the Vacuous Spider
Before becoming a potato-shaped spider with a rock for a head, Rom was an ordinary human scholar, meaning that she has a depth of life experience that many on this list lack. Additionally, Rom summons several smaller spiders in her boss fight that greatly resemble her, which are referred to as “Children of Rom”. Whether they are literally her children is unclear, but it’s likely that Rom has already taken on the role of parent in one way or another. So where does she lose points? Well, all Rom is able to do is flail furiously on the ground and fire bolts of magic into the sky, which aren’t exactly preferred methods of child discipline. For someone who has lived a rather diverse life, Rom really arach-needs to diversify some of her life choices.
7. Ludwig, the Accursed/Ludwig, the Holy Blade
Early in his career, Ludwig trained bands of citizens to be hunters and led them on the hunt of beasts himself, becoming a fairly well-known and popular figure within the Yharnam community. Of course, no good thing lasts forever, and by the end of his career, Ludwig had transformed into a deranged horse monster with enough extraneous limbs to make the previous entry on our list blush; he even sprouted a second neck tube from his torso that was packed to the brim with eyeballs. I guess some people deal with their mid-life crises better than others, don’t they? Despite these admittedly problematic shortcomings, Ludwig has proven himself to be a natural authority figure, which is arguably an essential trait for any parent. Additionally, Ludwig knows what’s it like to be literally and figuratively trapped in a nightmarish pool of blood and corpses, and if he is able to handle that, I’m sure he’d be able to handle raising a youngster.
6. Ebrietas, Daughter of the Cosmos
Ebrietas is the only boss on this list who doesn’t immediately attack the player, so I have to praise her kindness; I’d like to think that if Ebrietas had her own daughter, she wouldn’t immediately attack her child, either. That’s not even to mention that the vast majority of the super-blood that the denizens of Yharnam are so fond of consuming likely originated from Ebrietas herself. So if this tentacled extraterrestrial is already capable of supporting an entire city, she’d certainly be able to support a single child.
5. Micolash, Host of the Nightmare
Micolash is not a dad that would be ashamed of his children expressing themselves; how could he be when he dons such bizarre (but stylish) headwear? Not only would he be supremely encouraging, but Micolash would also be a very interactive father, given that his boss fight is essentially an elongated game of hide-and-seek in which you chase him down various corridors. This cage-wearing scholar, then, would make an exceptional parent, right? Well, the only thing that’s holding him back is his greatest strength. Given how fond Micolash is of running away from the player, there’s no guarantee that he wouldn’t up and run away from his child support payments.
4. Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower
Maria has worn many hats throughout her lifetime, and this vast experience makes her an excellent all-around problem solver. She’s lived in a castle, battled beasts as a well-trained hunter, murdered and mutilated innocent people, and, most relevantly for this list, served as a caretaker for a group of sick patients. Maria isn’t lacking compassion or competency, but the only reason she doesn’t land a higher spot is because she abandoned her duties as a caretaker for those patients. I don’t entirely blame her; Maria has lived a difficult and complicated life, but given that parenting only adds to that difficulty and complexity, I can’t award her a spot higher than number four. The murder and mutilation of innocents hasn’t won her any parenting awards, either.
As a celestial being that has ascended to a higher level of consciousness than mankind, Amygdala would have a lot of wisdom to impart on its children. That’s a huge plus in my book, but Amygdala’s fine parenting qualities don’t stop there. Just look at all those hands! It could get some serious multitasking done with those puppies. To take things even further, Amygdala rips off its own arms in its boss fight, proving that it is more than willing to self-sacrifice in order to accomplish its goals. And if those goals involved raising children, I have no doubt that this many-armed monstrosity would do an excellent job.
2. Mergo’s Wet Nurse
This wet nurse lands a spot this high on the list for similar reasons to Amygdala: she’s a Great One whose consciousness is beyond human understanding, she has the natural disposition of a caregiver, and she has a ton of arms. Granted, those arms wield deadly swords in her boss fight, but I don’t see any reason why they couldn’t also wield little bundles of joy! This seems to be the express purpose of Mergo’s Wet Nurse, after all: caring for a baby. When you cross paths with her in game, she is guarding an infant Great One named Mergo, so her undeniable experience makes her a top pick in any hypothetical parent draft.
1. Father Gascoigne
For those familiar with Father Gascoigne’s story, I know what you’re going to say. Yes, he ends up murdering his wife. Yes, his youngest daughter is consumed by a massive, sewer-dwelling pig, and yes, his eldest daughter throws herself off of a roof upon learning of her sister’s fate. But before all of that nasty business went down—nasty business, mind you, that only went down because Gascoigne was suffering from a particularly violent case of amnesia—let’s not forget Gascoigne’s many positive qualities. An accomplished hunter in his own right, he gave up his career in order to settle down and start a family. That shows exactly where his priorities lie: with his family. Ultimately, Gascoigne is the only person (or omnipotent creature) on this list that sacrificed an aspect of his own life and actively chose to be a parent, and I’d say he made a darn fine one at that. There’s no doubt in my mind that Father Gascoigne deserves the esteemed title of Best Parent in Bloodborne.